Meditation and Journaling Saved My Life

 

My Experience Of Having A Child With Autism:

Isaak came into this world in January 2007 amid a lot of drama, it was immediately obvious that all was not well with him, as he lay on my stomach, I could see that he was having trouble breathing. I only had a minute or so to hold him before he was taken from me and put on oxygen supplementation. In the days that followed, it became apparent that something really wasn't right.

The midwives kept insisting that we try breast feeding, I kept telling them that he couldn't breathe well enough too. Finally, they ended up putting a nasal gastric tube in to feed him, it was the only way. When he was seven days old, we went from our local hospital to the children's hospital in our capital city, what a stressful time it was. After only a few days, at the insistence of his father, Isaak was discharged from the hospital because his grandmother had come from interstate for the birth and was due to fly home.

We still did not know what was going on with him, deep inside I knew that it wasn't the right thing to do, something wasn't right and by the time he was five weeks old, we were back at the children's hospital after a visit to our local hospital due to the strong advice from the visiting Paediatrician who insisted we go that day.

Finally, at seven weeks old, we had the answers to why he had the breathing difficulties, among other things, he had severe obstructive sleep apnoea due to multi-level blockages in his respiratory system, anyway, eventually, all was corrected and to this day he is fine, although, there are a few minor things going on with him. With all that stress in the first ten months of his life, I became a single parent and still am to this day (November 2023).

By the time Isaak was age one, I had started noticing things about him which I thought were odd, when he was eighteen months old, I put him into day care so that he could play with other children as he is an only child, by the time he went into the two to three room, the staff at the day care centre he attended two days a week, told me that they had noticed certain unusual behaviours about him to which, I replied, oh, so it's not my imagination then. They wrote a letter to his Paediatrician Stating the behaviours they had seen and of course I confirmed these to the Paediatrician who referred him for an Autism assessment without hesitation.

Some of the behaviours we had noticed were probably what you have seen in your child too, such as stopping eating, no eye contact, not answering to his name, licking everything insight, no social skills, no communication skills to name but a few. After a three month wait, finally the assessment was done, and one month after that, I received the assessment report in the mail, (it was the day he turned two and a half). Although by this time, I was expecting the diagnosis due to a person I know that has to adult children with Autism. When I read the assessment report, I was not traumatised by it, (I still thought, oh bugger).

What I want to say about this, is that your reaction to getting the diagnosis is normal, please don't feel guilty or beat yourself up about it, as it can be very distressing for parents. I consider myself lucky that I had already had what, to me was the worst thing to have happened which was his breathing difficulties, after all, you need to breathe to live and that the fact he wasn't diagnosed with a terminal illness either was a blessing, after all, the Autism wasn't going to kill him. I must say though, all that didn't stop the nightmare that followed or my reaction to it.

After receiving the diagnosis, life went from hard, straight to what I thought at the time was hell, every day became a constant struggle, and I felt as though I was living in the midst of a cyclone on a roller coaster. My stress levels were through the roof, Isaak all he did was hit, kick and constantly scream because of being frustrated by his inability to communicate.

I was angry and frustrated with myself as I didn't know how to help him. I felt so useless and helpless, I had no knowledge of Autism to speak of, my only saving grace was my friend who had two kids with Autism, if it hadn't been for her, who knows what would have become of us. Although I didn't realise at the time, I had become depressed, I even had thoughts, that if this was how life was going to be, then I didn't want to be here anymore.

I as on the edge, ready to take the plunge over the side, I really wanted to leave this earth, didn't want to live life this way. It was like that until my son turned seven, I'll be honest right now, I don't know how my son and I are still on this earth, I came so close to ending it all on more than one occasion. What an absolute tragedy that would have been, a waste of two precious lives.

The nightmare continued, after one particularly bad Friday morning at playgroup, (we attended a playgroup for kids with special needs called Noah's Ark), Isaak was having a complete melt down, the whole throwing himself on the floor, kicking, screaming and destroying whatever got in his way, (it's amazing and terrifying how much strength they have, even at the age of two or three). I was beside myself, unable to calm him down, in fact, the more I tried, the worse things got, I could do nothing but make sure that he was as safe as possible and let him get it out of his system.

I grabbed my note book and started writing my thoughts and feelings in it. After what seemed like hours, he finally calmed down and had taken the milk from where I had left it, lay down on the couch and went to sleep, the melt downs always wore him out and he would sleep for hours after them, this one went to a whole new level, it was way worse than any of the previous ones I had witnessed.

All that afternoon and evening, I poured my heart and soul out into my note book, only stopping to make sure that Isaak was ok, (he slept from late afternoon to early the next morning). I kept pouring my heart and soul out into the wee small hours of the morning never thinking about what I was writing, I needed to release all the anger and frustration that was building inside me, I knew that by writing what I was feeling, I was being constructive instead of being destructive by lashing out and hurting myself or worse, Isaak.

He slept a lot on the Saturday, as for me, I did not sleep at all. Finally, I worked up the courage to read what I had written in my note book, it was early Saturday evening when I started reading it. What I was reading horrified me, I felt really sick, the fact that I felt the way I did was really disturbing to say the least, the thought that although I loved Isaak, I didn't like him very much at that time and I liked myself much less and the fact that I didn't feel any guilt about it at the time did disturb me a bit.

I didn't know what to do, I was so angry and frustrated with myself and my inability to be able to help my beautiful boy. He was so frustrated and angry because of his inability to communicate, he couldn't tell me what he wanted and I didn't know what he wanted. The only way he could express himself was by hitting, kicking and screaming.

He didn't understand much of what I was saying to him, it was like we came from different countries, different worlds even, well, I guess in a way we were in different worlds he was locked in his own world, what a nightmare it was. The simplest things such as going to the supermarket or even stepping out the front door were a total nightmare.

I had gotten to the point where I absolutely dreaded going anywhere, but being a single mum with no family left in town, and there was nobody I could leave him with while I went shopping or whatever I needed to do, I had to take him with me and although I didn't know it at the time, it turned out to be a true blessing that I had to take him with me because it helped to desensitise him to all the smells and sounds around him, he learned to cope being in the world when he finally came and joined us in our world.

Starting kindergarten was the start of change in him. When he started communicating with people was when I started to notice a difference so did everyone else. He was age six before he started to really join us in our world. When he turned seven, was when the biggest changes were noticed by all of us, his speech and comprehension started to improve in a very big way, ever since then, he has come a long in leaps and bounds and still is to this day (November 2023).

Through all this, I managed to find my way back to meditation, which has helped me to cope with the meltdowns (if it wasn't for both meditation and journaling, I would not be here now). When you first experience them, you don't know what has struck you, they can be incredibly unnerving to somebody that has never seen one. As I said earlier, the strength these kids have at age two or three is amazing and terrifying. I once witnessed Isaak at age three pulling an innerspring mattress of his bed as easily as pulling a blanket off it.

I discovered, the more I stay calm, the better it is for Isaak (not an easy thing to do). It is very important to know that your child is very sensitive and will pick up your feelings easily, therefore, any negative feelings toward your child, they will pick it up so easily and react accordingly.

I have found that acceptance is the key, for accepting your child for who they are and how they are is extremely good for them as it is positive and they will pick that up too and benefit greatly from it. I finally truly accepted Isaak for who and how he is when he was seven, since that time, things have been a lot calmer in our house, the meltdowns are few and far between. I stopped trying to change him and started to help him be in this world with us. There have been many people helping as well and still are.

Finally, I have stopped underestimating Isaak, he is doing way more now than I ever thought he would or gave him credit for. It is so rewarding seeing him reach his goals and surpassing them. I can see a much better future for him now than I did in the beginning. He really is very intelligent, in fact, it is my belief that he is yet to show us how intelligent he really is, I also believe that he will show us when he is ready to.

I have discovered over the years, that by using Isaaks interests to teach him is the best way for him to learn, it helps him to engage in learning. People with Autism don't see why they should have to do things they have no interest in, that is why using their interests and passions is the best way for them to learn. Isaak is almost seventeen now, things have gotten much easier.

I feel strongly that it is important to focus on the positive things about your child, tell them how clever, smart and funny they are, if they don't get something quite right, tell they've done a good job anyway, shower them with lots of praise and that is what they will grow up knowing and believing. If they constantly hear these positive words, the negatives will start to decrease, yeah sure they will still have some not so good days (we all do) but these days will lessen, I am not saying any of this is easy but hard work, dedication and persistence pays off and ask for help.

One of the most important things that any child should hear constantly from parents is that they are loved and treasured for who and how they are, let them know that they are important to you and that you value them greatly (that should apply to everyone in your life). See the blessing in your child and your child will see the blessing in you.

Finally, I just want to point out that this has been my experience, yours will differ from mine it depends on where your child is on the spectrum what your experiences will be or are. This is not a how to or do this, do that story.

I sincerely hope that by reading about my experiences they will help you to know that what you think and feel is ok and not to feel guilt or shame about your feeling's, it's how you express those thoughts and feelings that matters. I say again, this is by no means an easy journey (no sugar coating here), all that I can say is get help and as much as you can, especially if you are a single parent with little or no family support, I know that journaling and meditation really helped to save me when I didn't want to go on living.

May the Universe bless you with all that you need and want.🙏

from the imagination of Pamela

My mission is to provide guidance and support for spiritual growth and transformation. However, it's important to note that my information is not intended to replace professional medical care. If you are taking medication or are experiencing any health issues, I strongly encourage you to continue to follow the advice of your doctor or healthcare provider. In addition to my information, taking care of your physical and mental health is crucial to achieving overall well-being.